Life at times has not been very fair to me. I am sure I hear a hundred amens to that comment. Life isn't fair, and at times it is downright hard. I have always strived to be the best person I can be and I like to think that for the most part I have accomplished that. I have been plagued with unrelenting health situations. I suffered greatly at the hands of bullies growing up and even when I was a size 9, people always told me that I was FAT.
With that being said I am just struggling right now. I get into these funks and think that I am just not good enough. Granted we all go through this, we have self doubt but for me it goes deep and I am really tired of feeling this way. I have these times and I end up missing out on so many wonderful things.
For instance, last June I was invited to my friends wedding. I have known her since Jr. High and we have been friends through the good and bad of life and here some 35+ years later we are still friends. I did the flowers for her wedding and was looking forward to going. But I got her flowers to her the Thursday before her wedding and then I did it, I made an excuse not to go because I didn't want her to be embarrassed by her fat and ugly friend. She does not know this is the reason and I am so ashamed that I did this.
In two weeks, I am going to head to Henderson, Nevada for Inspiration Unlimited. I had hoped that by the time I went back this year that there would be less of me. But no, my body doesn't want to cooperate with me. Now I feel bad cause I wanted to be different and I don't want to be judged. Now keep in mind this is all in my head, not one person at this event has ever said anything mean to me - ever. Actually they are the best group of ladies around and many are my friends.
So why do I write this, it is because I am not alone. I know others are dealing with the same or different issues. We all don't think we measure up. The last 4 years have been so hard and I have some nasty scars to show for it. There has been a lot of loss but there has also been some gains. I just get overwhelmed with life at times and then the pity party starts.
During the point that everything was falling apart, I sought the counsel of one of the pastors (who I felt represented the church with his counsel) and the overriding theme was that it is OK to end your marriage. You are in an abusive situation and there seems to be no hope of him turning around. I prayed and prayed, asked others to pray and then it came down to it just needed to be over. Nothing was going to change. I was sad because once again I wasn't good enough to fight for, to care for, to frankly honor marriage vows for. The one person in your life who vows before God to love, honor and care for was in fact the very person who was tearing me down. Though to hear him talk to others, he was showering me with lots of great gifts, trip and what have you but 95% of that was all FALSE!!!! People would tell me how awesome he is and how I should never let him go. Wow if he is so wonderful and I am so miserable, it must be me. No it wasn't me, he knew how to manipulate the situation. To my surprise people would later tell me that they saw through it and know something wasn't quite right. Just no one would tell me then, I wish they would have. I vowed that through all of this, I would keep my dignity and be a lady. I wasn't going to sling mud, I just wanted to move on.
Well that is easier said then done. I was made to believe that I would have a church home and that they would be there for me and my family. Well that didn't happen and in fact I got both barrels of the shot gun when I went to church after the separation. "He is such a nice guy", "He loves you so much", "Why did you give up?" Were the questions repeatedly fired at me from those at church. Then I was ignored, I wasn't good enough to even be given a chance to explain.
So I have tried to find a new church but I am alone and at times not even comfortable in my own skin let alone trying to fit in. But I am working harder to find a place for me and I know I will land somewhere. When your married to someone who is larger than life at times, you can stay hidden in the shadows but when you are by yourself you can not.
I hate that I feel so badly about me and I hate the doubting so I push myself to do things and most often is great. A lot of people don't know what has happened in the last 20+ years and I am not going to dwell in all of that, it just seems that I am still feeling the burn of it all and it makes me sad. I am still mad at him because he left me in a horrible financial situation and I am still trying to crawl out of that hole. I am sure that I am not alone there either. I feel like all my good years have been taken away from me and I resent that. But worst of all is that because I won't fight, I have to watch in silence as he manipulates all around him to think he is the victim in all of this and that makes me so angry. How come people can't see through it, especially those at church. I don't know maybe they do, but no one has come looking for me. Not one person. Am I really not good enough?
I will go to Henderson in 2 weeks and have a great time. I will not let self doubt keep me away cause that is not right. I need this time with my friends and to just relax. I have a fantastic roommate and can't wait to spend some time with her because she is one of my favorite people. It will be refreshing and just plain fun. I wish there was less of me but there isn't and there is nothing that can be done about it so move on.
On that front, I was on steroids for 12 years and finally in March of 2012 I took my last pill. I had to fight and fight and fight to get off of those things and I did it. But if you know anything about steroids they mess everything up and you do gain weight - which I did. :( I thought once I was off that I would begin to lose it and I have and then it comes back. Well a doctor finally made me realize that my body is still acting like it is on steroids it takes 12-24 months for your body to readjust. So keep eating right and eventually it will come off. I needed to hear that because if you saw what I eat each day, you would not understand why the weight is coming off :( This will be a forever battle I guess. I fell last week and broke 2 toes and sprained my ankle, so walking is off the table for a bit. I have friends who are sending me samples and links to great things for health and diet. I do appreciate the effort but please know I just can't afford extra things right now. I don't have the money do buy them. Sorry but thank you. Life likes to throw me challenges and to that I say - nice try. I may not be what society thinks is perfect and I may have had my share of bullies but at the end of the day if I have been a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter and had a Godly attitude in all that I have done then that is good enough.............