Wednesday, November 7, 2012

October 5th

In my lifetime there have been 50 October 5th's. They always say that one bad thing can destroy many good. In this life of mine 46 October 5th's have been fine - I think but there are 4 that have caused me deep pain and anguish. I am guessing to some extent they will come to define my life as I know it.

I am going to warn you know, this is going to get heavy. Very heavy but somehow God will use this post to enrich someone's life - I hope.

October 5, 2004 was the day that my sister in law Cheryl died. Cheryl and I had been best friends. I started out as her boss, became her friend and then her sister in law. With so much distance between us we had lost our closeness and weren't as good of friends that we had been in the past. Fortunately, that was healed before she left this earth but her dying unexpectantly reminded me that we aren't  guaranteed a tomorrow so don't miss the opportunity to make things right with those who matter to you. I have never grieved as deeply as I did the day she died and to this day miss her terribly. I will see her again in Heaven and that I do look forward to. It is so important to cherish the time we have with each other.  So many things I wished I could have done different but in my heart I know that we were good when she left.   So please love those around you and make sure they know that they matter to you.

October 5, 2009 I overheard Dave telling his brother Rick that he had done something so wrong that he may lose his job. Once I heard what he had done, I knew that he was indeed going to be fired and our life as we knew it was going to change in a big way. With me being on disability, our livelihood, our medical insurance, our everything was wrapped up in my husband having a full time job. Panic set in because all I could see was total chaos and it scared me. How were we going to survive this? A week later, Dave was fired and being unemployed in this economy was a disaster. Because we knew that income was going to be an issue, we decided to short sale our home and move in with my mom. I am beyond grateful to my mom because without her, I would be homeless. The process of packing up a house, giving things away and condensing what we had was very upsetting.   I had put my total faith and trust in someone and because he wasn't God, he failed me.   The next year was wrought with survival and just trying to deal with the the ricochet effects of our world falling apart. My family was awesome and without them I would have never been able to survive all of the turmoil.   It was a year that I don't ever care to relive.   Someday I will hopefully look back and see how God worked during this time.  I know there will be a testimony to share and until then it is raw and real and I think He can use that too.

October 5, 2010 - The house finally sold and the process to get it over with drug on and on and on. On this day we signed the escrow papers and I lost my home. Mom and I worked all the way up the the 11th hour getting things out of the house. Since we were downsizing, I gave away so much of life. I do know that stuff that meant so much to me was in my friends homes giving them joy. I really am still reeling from this one because I felt like I lost so much of myself and at times I still do. Trust me when I say that I do not put my value in what I owned and I am so very fortunate, I do know this.  It is just difficult to lose your home.   I didn't lose a house, I lost my home and it was sad.   But I am home again with my mom and sister so that is where God wants me and I am good with that.

Life is full of transition and unfortunately the weight of the past 3 years brought an end to my marriage.  October 5, 2012 the judge stamped the paperwork and my marriage of 20 years and 50 weeks was over. It just became a cruel joke that October 5th was becoming a key day. So many sad things happened on this day and I almost dread yet another one. I know that God has seen me through these days but my heart still hurts and wish that things could have been different. But there is no going backward. It may take awhile for me to understand the reason all these things happened and this side of Heaven, I may never know. I do know that eventually my October 5th's will be Heaven and I will be rejoicing. Until then, I am going to continue to trust in God, not dwell on the bad and seek God's purpose for these events and what He would want me to learn from them. My heart is broken over all the loss but I am looking forward to better days ahead.

So if you are reading this and your life is wrought with the similar challenges, just know that God will see you through just as He has me.   Sometimes we have to hurt to get through things but with God's love and support we each can get through anything.   Things for me are still new and I do get sad but I am excited to see what my new life holds.   God loves me and I need to learn to love me too, through this process I know only good things are ahead.