Tuesday, September 13, 2016

I feel lost ...............

36 weeks have gone by since I said goodbye to my sister.  My friends are trying to get me to say that she entered Heaven and is happy, healthy and full of life.   She is with God.  I try so hard to focus on that but inevitably I go back to my feeling of loss and not Jodi's gain in her forever body.
I worry that she is alone and doesn't know anyone, but today I remembered that Jodi knew no stranger and I know she is up there taking it all in, making friends along the way.
My friends and everyone else reading this, I need to tell you that the grief of her loss is soul crushing.   Over the past few months, mom and I are so beat down that we are struggling to frankly live. Mom said the other night that we are dying.   That actually kind of shocked me. 
Fortunately our pastor is coming over tomorrow night to talk with us.   We need this, pray for my mom as she is so questioning her faith.   I know she believes and she does, losing Jodi who for 50 years was her small child has left her questioning everything.  I know Jodi is with God and I hold to that belief,  I am just angry.  I am mad that she is gone, I am mad that I didn't do enough to save her, I am mad at her doctors for copping the attitude of it is the circle of life.   Everyone gave up but I didn't - she was my world.  Mom and I needed someone to fight with us to save her.
Every decision we made took Jodi into account.  I am not complaining but when she left, we kinda lost our purpose.    We love her, we miss her and frankly aren't sure how to live without her.
We really need prayers, we need healing, we need faith to continue to trust God's perfect plan.  None of this makes sense right now but like all of life's ups and downs, you see the how God had it all in His hands.   Jodi and I would sing songs all the time and always put her name in the song.  One of the songs she learned at school was He's Got the Whole World In His Hands - we would sing "He's got you and me Jodi in His hands".   I believe that with all my heart,  God has her safe and secure.  My heart is just broken, I need healing. 
Next week I am going to Vegas for a scrapbooking event with Teresa Collins.   My mom was supposed to go but her health is keeping her home.   I don't  want to go and leave her but she is insisting.   I am ready just like last year to fly home early if need be.   I really need this trip, I need to see my friends and kind of decompress a bit.  My roommates are ready for me to be a puddle but I am going to try so hard to rejoice in her life and be excited to tell anyone about my sweet baby sister Jodi and how much I love her.  
Pray for us as we start grief counseling and figure out how to navigate this new life, because I am tired of feeling lost.
I have to share this special video of Jodi's birthday celebration,  62 family and friends were on hand to wish her Happy Birthday.   It was an amazing day and Jodi deserved all of it.  Everything was for her because she is loved.
video

Please know that I am aware there are many who feel strongly about balloons and the affect they have on the environment.   I would never want to hurt anything or anyone.   Jodi loved balloons and we had to do something to honor her.   I will not do a large balloon release again.   In my heart, I wanted to honor my sister because she deserved it.  Please accept my apology.

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