Monday, September 3, 2007

Life sometimes can be so hard.............

There are days when I just wish that I could throw the covers over my head and be a nobody. I would like to hide from the world and sulk in silence because the pain is too much to deal with . Since June, I have fractured 3 ribs and my left shoulder. I try to go through each day and be the best wife, daughter and big sister, trying to be uplifting and always there to lend a helping hand. I try to stay up and not let the pain or frustration show. (though I am sure it does) My husband gets so frustrated because I wait till the final minute to take the pain meds, he understands that I don't want to get addicted but he hates seeing me in pain.
Recent doctors visit has shown that I possibly have fibromyalgia on top of the lupus, vasculitis and neuropathy. Yikes, God what else.
I have had to battle the past few months with self image and self worth. Having an occasion where I have had the things that I beat myself up most about, thrown in my face and then to continually be berated behind my back only confirmed to me that I was as worthless as I already thought I was. I get frustrated that I don't always get things done in a timely manner and at times run late. I never fail to meet a commitment, but at times my body or my life put me a bit or a lot behind. It happens, I don't like it but it happens.
I guess if you don't see my world and understand that my family is the most important thing in the world to me, you wouldn't understand that I will drop anything to help them out. Though I may get out of bed around 10:00 (cause I stay up way too late), it takes me till after noon to pull it together enough to face the world.
If I have to get out sooner then it is only with the assistance of narcotics.
Lupus sucks, neuropathy even more.
As you can tell, I am having a pity party sort of. I don't hate my life, I hate the parts of my life that cause me grief. (don't we all ?)
I don't ever like to fail anyone, I like to be the one who is happy and willing to jump in and take care of the situation.
The verse "Be Still and Know that I am God" is one of my favorites and it hits me like 2 x 4 every once in awhile ...............because I forget to let God have control.
I am tired of feeling so badly about myself and need to realize like I said before "God is big and people are small" He is working on me daily, my prayer will be that God will provide the strength and comfort you need each day to feel good about yourself and your life. He is definately doing that with me.

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