Happy Birthday Jesus!!

December 25th - Christmas Day.   This day has so many facets and all of them are leaving me in a puddle of tears.   I need to be stronger but honestly I don't have it in me.  Thanks to my friends I did participate in 3 crop / present swap.   Those were fun and it felt good to smile.   I do try and smile,  I am trying to do something for others each day and have had 3 awesome moments of making a positive difference in someone else's life.   Physically and emotionally mom and I are a mess.  I actually had to take mom to the ER last week in the middle of the night. 

Because we are both facing some health setbacks, we have not decorated or set up our tree.   I was going to bake and honestly I just don't have the desire to do it.  We are still working on Christmas cards, some will become New Years cards but I feel a sense of accomplishment that I did that.
We did minimal shopping for others and there are no gifts for us to unwrap Christmas morning.   We will be going to my brothers house for brunch so there may be a couple things there. 

I am not saying these things to make anyone feel sorry for us.   I am saying them because we aren't the only people in the world, dealing with a loss of a loved one.  Be aware of those around you who are dealing with loss because we get quiet, we don't talk about it cause no one wants to continue to hear how sad you are.  The sadness sucks you in, it is not a good place to be. The thing is the holidays are about family and spending time with the ones you love.  Presents are nice but they aren't the memories.  The investment we make in each others lives is important, those are the pictures and stories we document. Take time to invest in others - help them to start creating new memories.

This is our first Christmas without Jodi and we aren't handling it very well.  Last year we totally ignored Christmas because we were in the fight to make Jodi well,  God had other plans.
The holidays for the last couple years have been less important and it was more about taking care of her. I wouldn't give up a minute of it.   Jodi loved the holidays, she loved the excitement, the sounds the people = She just loved it all.   Seeing Christmas through her eyes was magical.   We would listen to Christmas music and she loved it.   She loved the fun happy songs but when a song about the Jesus' birth, she would actually listen and many times tear up.   She knew God in a way I never could.    Those are the memories that matter to me.

So this year, I sit here on earth missing her so much.  Been a lot of tears today.   But Jesus as the world celebrates your birth, you have my baby sister with you and she loved birthdays. I am sure she is already partying.   So give her an extra hug for me and tell her that I love her and miss her.   Happy Birthday Jesus!!  

You Are My Sunshine

On Wednesday night, Mom and I watched the tree lighting at Rockefeller Center in NYC.   Every year we watch this.  We enjoy the music and anxiously await the lighting of the tree.  I kept wanting to get up and go turn your TV on for you to watch.   Then reality would set in and I would cry.  I listened to the music and continue to cry.   Mom was struggling too.

No one knows what our world has been like the past 3 years.  December 1, 2013 you had a seizure that we are sure now,  sent us on a path that ultimately we would lose you.

Heaven gained an angel but we have lost our baby.

I love this picture - it says it all.  You loved holidays.  I can still hear you say "Trick or Treat" when you would see all the Halloween decorations.  We knew that these first holidays were going to be hard, but we didn't realize how hard.

Today was the Sparks Christmas Parade.  We would go park and watch the parade.  You loved the music and decorations.  Today we reminisced about going and watching.  So many good memories.   We go past homes that are decorated and want point them out and say "Look Jodi"   Instead we cry because we can't do that.

You always knew when it was Christmas morning.  You were ready to open presents and didn't want to wait.   I loved watching you and seeing you smile. I loved that some years you collected all your presents and didn't open them, just kept them by you and slowly you would get into them.   Then you figured out that is was more fun to tear into everything and paper, boxes, etc. would fly everywhere  

You were so much fun to watch.  Seeing Christmas through your sweet eyes was so amazing.

Last year we decided to put Christmas off and then celebrate it when you were better.   Baby we didn't know what was happening and didn't realize that there were points of no return when dealing with certain medical situations.   Everyone gave up on you but mom wanted a Christmas miracle and I prayed for her sake that we would get it.  Turns  out the miracle is that your are celebrating your first Christmas with Jesus' on His birthday.  I am so happy but still so very sad because I miss you greatly. I can hear you sing "outie doo day doo day"   That was the sweetest sound. 

I see all the hustle and bustle around me and am trying to feel the excitement of Christmas but I feel like there is a veil of tears in between me and all the festivities.  I try to be joyful because no one wants to be around a downer.   I put a smile on my face, I don't talk about you unless someone asks.  Most don't realize the bond we had and you were some of the best part of me.  We were more then sisters.  I was your protector and I feel like I failed you miserably.  

Just know my sweet baby that "You are my Sunshine"  Without you many days in my life are so dark.  You brought so much joy into my life and I miss you.   I know you don't like to see us crying.  I am trying to be strong, trying work my way through this thing called grief.   I am trying to focus on others and not myself.   Somehow mom and I will navigate through to holidays and then through January 5th.  I can't believe it was almost been a year. 

Tomorrow we are going to decorate a little bit.  We are going to use the small tree that we put in your room last year and make that our Christmas Tree.  Mom bought some bells for outside. 

I hope you know Bug-a-Boo that you are thought of everyday and that I love you and cherish each and every moment that you were here with me.   My heart is with you today and always.